What Not to Fear in Divorce

 
Just like in the popular TV show, What Not to Wear, in which selected individuals undergo unexpected, rapid and identity shaking transformations, going through a divorce can be both terrifying and liberating at a pace that is very often, overwhelming.

As in most matters of the heart, fear of change, or better yet, uninformed fear of what one imagines change will bring, oftentimes rules. As more or less evolved organisms, we seek homeostasis, and sudden change upsets that balance, if only temporarily, and can allow for a new level of homeostasis, and hopefully a more evolved level.

That is the challenge- moving forward- gathering information, sorting, resorting and making changes- step by step.

This article offers information I have gleaned from years of working with couples as both a therapist and a life coach, in various stages of breakdown-some needing assistance in achieving a breakup, and others looking for tools and new perspectives to avert a breakup.

As a life coach, my interventions address the more practical and action oriented side of a divorce, with respect and consideration given to the emotional upheaval.

 
In fact it is that very same upheaval that calls for a measured and thoughtful action plan. There is nothing like being informed and able to predict likely outcomes, to allay even the most debilitating of fears.

If couples counseling or circumstances in life, have led you to the point of no return, then this article is for you.

The main areas of fear involve:

-Finances and housing
-Child custody and support

All of these are linked by the common thread of loss. With adequate information and personal allies, all of these fears can be managed, no matter how limited your resources. You just need to know your options and not act on impulse or out of fear. Usually doing that only creates consequences that are even scarier.

To start out, it is imperative to consult a GOOD lawyer, hopefully someone personally referred to you. The best way to tell a good lawyer from a not so good one is to assume that you usually get what you pay for, although some of the better ones do offer a free initial consultation, outlining their approach and fee schedule.

Your lawyer should specialize in divorce. An aggressive, but ethical approach is the best way to go. DO NOT hire an aggressive, shark-like lawyer, who will “do whatever it takes” to promote your agenda. The consequences from the oftentimes devastating process of obtaining an unfair, but advantageous agreement, is not worth it, seeing as you will probably have to deal with your ex (and yourself) for years to come, if there are children involved.

Besides a lawyer, it is usually a good idea to consult a therapist, who can support you and your kids, if you have them. This could help to defuse emotions that might interfere with more rational thinking and planning.

Regarding finances: position yourself carefully, because accumulating debt is a common byproduct of many divorces.

This list offers suggestions to follow in order to minimize the ravages of nearly inevitable debt:

1. Envision the lowest standard of living you can tolerate and accept

2. Make a budget accordingly

3. Check the budget against income, including presumptive alimony or child support if applicable

4. Minimize credit card usage

5. Consider alternative and/or temporary living arrangements rather than renting or buying right away. If you do have the means to buy, once the dust has settled, consider a two family or multi-family dwelling, to increase passive income relatively easily.

6. Brainstorm other ways to earn as much money as possible. If you already have a job, and kids, consider work at home as a second job. With www.ebay.com and other do-it-yourself sites flourishing, as well as many online businesses, it is possible to increase needed cash flow. Be careful, however, with online promotions. If they offer a get rich quick scheme, or an MLM pyramid scheme, chances are it is a scam. An example of a legitimate, home based business is being a proofreader. Another mechanism to develop your own business, is a user-friendly, website building platform called www.sitebuildit.com. Through tutorials and voluminous step by step written instructions, SBI makes building a home based business accessible to the average person. And if you need web design help, www.highimpact.co.uk offers a team approach to add professional and technically savvy assistance.

7. If debt is already a problem, DO NOT use debt settlement companies. While their services sometimes help to diminish debt, stay away from any that requires an upfront retainer before they begin to pay down any of your debt. Oftentimes creditors refuse to work with these companies, causing a myriad of problems for you: being sued for immediate lump sum payments, losing the retainer, ruining your credit for years, and causing unexpected tax implications from the unpaid, settled amount.

8. Instead of debt settlement, try negotiating with your creditors yourself. Many of them will consider a lower rate and convert your obligation into a longer term loan.

9. If doing it yourself doesn’t work, try debt consolidation companies, such as www.takechargeamerica.com, who negotiate a fixed lower rate while forcing a termination of credit card usage. The damage to your credit is probably less severe with this approach, as some creditors report to the reporting agencies that payment is occurring gradually over time, whereas in settlement, it appears to the agencies that you are in arrears until enough money has accumulated in your escrow account to pay them off in full at the settled amount, oftentimes many months or years down the road.

Child custody and support is another hot item in divorce. There is a lot of controversy around what is in the “best interests” of the child. In recent years, many parents have opted for “joint custody “believing that equal access to each parent makes the most emotional sense. In theory, that is true, but in practice it oftentimes falls apart. Many children develop anxiety and/or anger related symptoms from the divorce itself, exacerbated by the constant moving back and forth. Most irksome is the absence of a home-base, a feeling of being planted securely, especially in a time of increased insecurity. Needing doubles of many items, and staying organized enough to remember what to take where, places much of the stress squarely on the child. One could argue that this is most unfair for the child rather than the divorcing parents, causing stress and frustration which sometimes transforms into behavior problems or depression.

Increasingly, experts recommend choosing one parental home base, with regular, predictable stays/visits with the other parent. The downside to this scenario is that it can increase the conflict between the parents, regarding which home is “primary”. And it blurs boundaries between the “best interests” of the child vs. the parents. For some parents, giving up primary custody is such a blow to the ego, a loss of control, and another devastating loss, that managing those personal feelings becomes the driving force behind the decision. For others, the decision is more financially driven. Most often the non-custodial parent will be required to pay child support, which is determined according to strict state guidelines, which may pose a significant financial burden, which then creates deepened resentment between already acrimonious parents. Once children become teenagers, the choice becomes their own, although even then it isn’t exactly free, seeing as one parent has to be “chosen” over the other.

In another subcategory, the intensity of disagreement and concern over the safety of the children, may force the appointment by a judge, of a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to evaluate and recommend the best custody arrangement for the child, independent of either parent’s personal agenda.

As you can see, once broken down into smaller, bite-sized pieces, the experience of divorce can become more understandable and hopefully manageable. Considering the enormous number of divorces these days, one solace for many is the simple fact that “you are not alone”. Indeed, joining a support group in addition to finding a therapist will also decrease your isolation and fear.

In the end, having a strong and knowledgeable lawyer will help to guide you through this very painful process.

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Self-Directed Certified Life Coach Tips

It’s really all about perspective. And both psychotherapy and coaching can help you shift perspective to a happier, healthier and better functioning– YOU.

Perhaps you are interested in this idea, but want to know more about it. Maybe you are one of those “strong, silent types” who tends toward self-reliance, despite persistent unhappiness, ineffective work habits or unsuccessful relationships.

Maybe you don’t have much money, or aren’t sure if you have a medical or mental health problem which could require a qualified medical or mental health professional* instead…

*In the absence of substance abuse, which should be treated first, as it affects a person’s baseline functioning and renders the use of therapy or coaching seriously compromised, the following questions can give a guide to the direction you take. In addition, if you have suicidal or homicidal feelings or thoughts, consultation with a licensed mental health practitioner is imperative immediately.

Let me start with a checklist of “symptoms”, or “lifestyle issues” (adapted from the DSM-IV) which trouble you. By answering these questions, you may be able to get a better feel for which direction you might take—psychotherapy– or coaching –or both…

On a scale from 1-5 please rate yourself on the following:
1=never, 2=rarely, 3=sometimes, 4=often, 5=always

In the past 30 days I have experienced:

1. Appetite disturbance (loss or increase)
2. Sleep disturbance (insomnia or hypersomnia)
3. Loss or increase in energy
4. Loss of self esteem
5. Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
6. Feelings of hopelessness
7. Elevated mood
8. Irritable mood
9. Grandiosity
10. Talkative or pressured speech
11. Racing thoughts
12. Distractibility
13. Pursuit of self destructive actions such as gambling, substance abuse, unprotected sex

Someone has told you that you demonstrate:

1. Delusions
2. Hallucinations
3. Incoherent or idiosyncratic speech patterns
4. Disorganized behavior

You have noticed:

1. Recurrent, intrusive thoughts, impulses, images that you can’t suppress
2. Repetitive behaviors, driven to perform, which you can’t stop
3. Recurrent, disturbing recollections, or dreams of a traumatic event
4. Hyper-vigilance
5. Hyper-avoidance
6. Unexplained memory loss
7. Periods of intense, physically debilitating fears
8. Excessive worry
9. Chronic headaches
10. Chronic abnormal pain
11. Chronic muscle tension

If you score between 85 and 140, or a 4 or 5 on more than 1 question, then I recommend a consultation with a mental health professional to rule out a psychiatric condition.

If you score between 45 and 90, then I could offer coaching services or a referral to a qualified mental health practitioner. Either or both would probably be effective. If you score between 0 and 60, you will certainly benefit from coaching and may also be successful at the self-help route.

In either case, because I have 30 years of mental health experience, I could assist you in making an informed decision, and give a proper referral, if necessary.

For those of you who are interested in the pursuit of life coaching, a good place to start is to read the book– Taming Your Gremlin, by Rick Carson. Despite the cutesy title, it offers in-depth, user-friendly and substantive information about techniques and coping skills for managing the universal condition of self sabotage. Rather than viewing self sabotage as an illness or immaturity, Carson gives the perspective that we all experience it, and managing it requires a balance of energy, both positive and negative, like yin and yang, which is fundamentally human.

According to Carson, this sort of self sabotage is simply the counterbalancing opposite of animalistic survival, and it needs to be respected and accepted, rather than railed against as many of us typically do with ourselves. Like in the popular book/DVD, The Secret, Carson argues his own version of the Law of Attraction, which states simply that “positive begets positive” and “negative begets negative”—or let’s say—“what goes around comes around”.

While somewhat clichéd and simplistic, these concepts have survived the ages, and probably retain substantial merit as a result. Other ways to retrain and manage ineffective habits, such as addictive behaviors and negative self talk, is through hypnosis.

Simon Edwards, a highly qualified and credentialed hypnotherapist, offers hypnosis CDs and mp3s through his website, www.uniquehypnosis.com. These products can be used all by yourself or in consultation with him personally.

Certainly exercise is an integral part of any self improvement program, as it provides structure, routine, cardiovascular strength, and a surge of endorphins—hormones that bathe the brain in a totally natural wash of “feeling good”.

Meditation and yoga are increasingly popular ways to provide relatively inexpensive and portable means of managing stress and obtaining mental and physical balance.

Beyond that, the multitude of martial arts such as Karate, Tae Kwan Do, Tai Chi and Budokon, among many others, help create a mental, spiritual and physical discipline which integrates and balances mind-body energies.

One last suggestion for someone seeking a self directed life coaching experience is a book by Julia Cameron, called The Artist’s Way. Written by a highly creative woman, recovering from a substance abuse problem of her own, it documents through anecdote and literary references, techniques to hone and develop a lifelong practice of self care, aimed at nurturing the creative and productive potential within all of us. Breathing fully and intentionally is at the foundation of all of these practices. The simple act of oxygenating the cells of the brain and body has enormous implications for the relief of many stress and anxiety related problems. Our bodies are amazing works of art and suppliers of information to us.

Learning the cues, noticing the warning signs built into our limbic systems (fight/flight/fear response), and developing a positive attitude of acceptance, altogether create one of the easiest and most natural states of being. Yet, for many of us, it is the hardest to achieve, thanks to our stress-filled reactions to modern life. I know that life-skill-coaching, which expands upon many of these tips, and developed out of my extensive background in mental health care, will help you reclaim your most natural, pleasurable and productive state of being.

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For anyone unfamiliar with the effect of a greyhound on raising teenagers, read on.

Being a teenager is hard. Above all, there is the physical part of rapid transformations; not to mention the emotional and intellectual aspects. The entire brain is flooded with chemicals, causing a myriad of changes, many of which result in an intensity of feeling about most things familiar, and a corresponding need for comfort and reassurance and stability.

As a racetrack survivor, Amber understood all of that. Maybe it was the chemicals that flooded her own brain- steroids used to enhance her performance, or perhaps a derivative of amphetamine to give that extra boost of intensity. Or it could have been cortisol, the all-natural stress hormone which can be released under the duress of an all-too-common beating… Whatever it was, Amber really understood angst; she was a buddha amongst race-track war mongers. Amber knew about abuse and she knew how to give comfort like no other… At times when familial tension mounted, or a cliquey group at school engaged in their mean thing, our teenagers found solace in Amber way better than that from a teddy bear. Amber was alive and warm and incredibly tender. She really did understand in ways that humans, in particular parents, simply cannot.

Amber lived for nine more months, and died via euthanasia, at Angell Memorial Hospital. We all were there to administer the shot and to say our good byes, cradling her head and kissing her nose… She suffered from lymphoma, an aggressive cancer which loaded her belly with fluids, to the point of near-suffocation, and death. A brief review of the literature on greyhounds, revealed to my 14 year old daughter, that performance enhancing drugs and lymphoma is a possible link; a cause indeed, of premature death among many greyhounds-many beloved pups, babies and pets of countless receptive and compassionate teenagers everywhere. Since Amber’s death, we adopted another greyhound, who is, thankfully, alive and well, and similarly conditioned to be loveable, patient and ever so wise.

For parents who worry about safeguarding their teen, a greyhound is a superior antidote- one which bears witness, quiet and careful, helping to protect our children from any number of possible perils…

Rebecca Morgan is a psychotherapist and personal coach-in-training with a website , dedicated to educating and coaching families and workers to achieve optimally happy and healthy lifestyles.

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Helping your teenager cope with crises and stress

Life with a teenager can feel like a crisis all by itself to many parents. Or perhaps a series of crises, punctuated by oases of calm connectedness. The truth is, life AS a teenager IS very stressful, as we all know. How a teenager learns to manage the tumult of emotions can set the stage for the management of difficult times in adulthood as well.

As parents, parenting teenagers is often fraught with paradox. As much as teens declare through actions and words, that they are independent and don’t need us, secretly they often are yearning for the very same rules, guidance and comfort that they seemingly reject. It is in the deciphering of the code of adolescent communication which allows an opportunity for parents still to do their job.

Coaches do their job by helping people to gain new perspective and to “reframe” the meaning of their parenting teenagers experiences.

 
The following four characteristics are fairly common of teenagers. If communicated in moderation- with an understanding for their intentions, these characteristics can be the underpinnings of a successful approach to adulthood. Furthermore, rather than simply punishing him or her, talking to your teenager about your own painful emotional reaction to each of these characteristics-when they are taken to the extreme, will teach compassion. While interpreting and reframing the positive aspect of the impulse, healthy emotional growth will be reinforced.

1. Attitude-which comes across as disrespectful and challenges authority.

Typically teens show a lot of attitude-which can feel disrespectful and downright nasty. Setting limits is always necessary as a parent, but a simultaneous validation of the underlying meaning of this attitude can be affirming. Challenging authority and “thinking outside the box”, so to speak, are important attributes for a confident and creative adult.

2. Drama-which is overemotional and represents the existence of hormones, as well as a passion for life.

Feeling things strongly is a hallmark of adolescence, and can be disruptive to everyone within earshot. But having a zest for life and being passionate about one’s experience are attributes of a successful and interesting life.

3. Criticalness-which is judgmental and polarizing.

Developing opinions and a unique voice are forms of self expression for future relationships and careers, and a necessary separation -individuation from parents.

4. Impulsivity– comes across as dangerous and irresponsible.

Being spontaneous also represents openness and adventuresomeness toward the challenges of adulthood and life in the 21st century.

5. Substance use-comes across as risk taking and escapist.

Of all of these, substance use is probably the most controversial. Some would say that no amount of substance use is acceptable (or reframeable) as a teenager or as an adult. But, like it or not, alcohol, at the very least, is rampant in society, and knowing how to be in its presence is an important skill for anyone to have. On the other hand, many teenagers (and adults) do not learn moderation, and instead use it to cope, and to stunt their own emotional development. Experts in the field say that for someone who is addicted or severely abusing substances, he or she arrests their ability to manage emotions and stress, at the age at which they started abusing. For parents, modeling appropriate behavior is probably the most effective way to deal with this issue.

For more one on one help with skill development, parenting teenagers and coping with your teenager, please contact me.

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Coaching for life is a professional service

Unlike psychotherapy, however, coaching for life does not directly treat mental disorders. Instead, life coaching accepts problems as they are, while focusing on the positives in a person’s life, with an eye toward strengthening available resources and creating positive and practical outcomes. Solution focused brief treatment and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) are each psychotherapeutic precursors to the development of coaching for life, which is a totally non-mental health related intervention using strategies oriented toward peak performance.

Coaching for life can be helpful in the following types of situations:

1. Improving self care through exercise, diet, spirituality and positive attitude.
2. Balancing work and personal or family pressures.
3. Improving work performance.
4. Creating satisfactory relationships.
5. Improving employer-worker relationships.
6. Improving overall business performance.
7. Recovery from a traumatic event such as a death or divorce.
8. Overcoming procrastination and other self defeating behaviors.

Coaching for life is not effective in treating symptoms of a biologically based mental disorder such as major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or severe anxiety such such as that found in panic disorder. In these situations, treatment by a trained mental health practitioner must be in place if coaching for life is to be used, and then only with extreme caution and collaboration with a psychotherapist or psychopharmacologist.

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As a spiritual life coach with new clients, I am always searching for new information

One of my personal favorites as a spiritual life coach is exploration of one’s self through the arts—be it music, painting, drama, clay throwing—whatever… There is something in the act of commitment to non-work, that can loosen up the spirit, and bring out the child—a certain unself-conscious spontaneity and carefree-ness.

Of course the opposite can also happen, with those of us so caught up in the workaday world, that success based on results and performance rules our approach to doing almost anything. In fact, it is for those of us who are so driven, that the arts are most compelling.

Just as in sports, engaging the mind, body and spirit in an intensely focused art activity can release endorphins, those feel-good hormones that play a significant role in overall health and happiness.

My own experience as a spiritual life coach with this process began many years ago, in my 20’s. Fresh out of graduate school, I was suddenly faced with the realization that I didn’t have to study every night, or work 24/7 as it often felt in the sometimes chaotic world of internships and thesis writing. Instead of embracing this new freedom with joy, however, I felt bored, antsy and even a bit lonely. Alone in my new apartment, I had no clue what to do with myself after work, whenever a friend couldn’t meet me for dinner or a drink later on at the blues club.

Many years earlier, my well kept secret, and long ago dream (of my parents), was that I had studied the violin, under duress from my elders, particularly my father, for whom the experience in his own childhood had been an utter failure. I was to become what he hadn’t; an intense, soulful artiste, who brings joy through his brilliant renditions of the classics.

For me it was work—drudgery even, a routine chore like making the beds or vacuuming. It had to be done for 45 minutes every day, marked by the timer, and once over I was so much happier—not from the experience—but because it was over. I even hated carrying it to school—looking so awkward and nerdy. And playing in orchestra was pure embarrassment. Good enough to be concert master, I still sounded terrible.

The list of humiliations is long, aggravated by the annual recital, a performance of sheer nerves and self consciousness, rather than of the music.

The point in telling all of this is to say that there evolved an entirely new experience of violin playing once I was an adult, and chose it to be my own. Out of my boredom and loneliness, I revived my dormant ability and took lessons. From there I attended a music camp, and then I met a group of like minded young women who needed one more player to fill out their string quartet. I was hooked. I learned a new clef and took up the viola, a deeper, richer sounding middle voice, that was better suited to my own voice—that of a mediator, a conciliator, a backup and support person.

For the past 25 years we have been together, raising families and building careers, some of us getting divorced, others getting ill, and all of us recovering. There is a certain kind of intimacy that develops while playing chamber music that is obviously non-verbal, and exquisitely vulnerable. It is a form of communication that spans generations and gender. It can be passionate and also dispassionate. Most of all it is fun, and a refuge for me from the workaday world of duties and responsibilities, the very experiences from which it was borne in me as a child, many years ago.

If you are interested in working with a spiritual life coach through the arts, please contact me.

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